On finding my faith, and being at peace with it.

When stripped away of feelings, confirmations, and whispers, belief at its core is absurd. I'm not just talking about religions that believe in a higher power; believing that there isn't a higher power is equally absurd, because objectively, there is no way to prove things one way or another. Until the heavens open and someone comes down, be it Thor, Zeus, Allah, or Heavenly Father, we have to trust in those feelings, confirmations, and whispers to influence our belief in our worldview.

This belief then turns to faith, which as we like to say in Sunday School, is belief in action. Faith is how we let our belief shape us. However, when we allow our belief to shape us in a way that begins to deny objective facts, we begin to detach ourselves from the shared experience of existence, and deny others access to an honest exchange of ideas that can help relationships grow, and that foster mutual understanding even when there may be disagreement.

For a long time, I thought I had things figured out, and was unable to see how someone could not just see the logical conclusions that I had arrived at. I was unable to see the absurdity in it, and therefore cut myself off from understanding others.

Now, regardless of what your opinion of Orson Scott Card is, Ender's Game is an amazing book, and somewhat ironically, helped me on my way towards becoming that liberal-for-a-mormon I am now. It was the first book that I read that helped me understand empathy. In order to defeat his enemies, be it bullies or aliens, Ender had to learn to think like them, which in the end, led to him learning how to love them. This in turn led him to becoming the Speaker for the Dead, which is the ultimate display empathy.

Ender’s story helped me to understand my middle-namesake, Ammon, better. Essentially, he became a Lamanite ally. He put away his stereotypes of the Lamanites being heathen and evil, and saw them for what they were, sons and daughters of God. Now, the thing about being an ally is that you don't have to ditch who you are to acknowledge the experiences of others, just like Ammon acknowledging the Great Spirit that King Lamoni believed in. When you become an ally, you end up finding out how much you have in common with a perceived other.

So what does this have to do with belief being absurd? Acknowledging that others view my belief as absurd, has allowed me to realize that I don't rely on any logical conclusions, but that I have to rely on faith, because I can never, objectively, know and prove that what I believe in is true. And I would not be able to come to that conclusion if I had not started to learn empathy, and love the people I viewed as others.

It is this combination of absurdity and faith that has allowed me to search for my faith anchors. In some cases they are my belay to the Iron Rod when I have the urge to let go as the pull between my religious affiliation and my understanding of human nature strengthens.

Through all of that, the easy question is, why don't I just leave my church, and I think I speak for most liberal leaning members when I say that that isn't an option. I do have faith that I have had experiences that testify that the Church is true, that I just can't accept as confirmation bias. I love the Church and the people in it despite having deep reservations about how certain groups are being treated, or have been treated in the past.

This faith lives next to my support for issues that are outside my religious mainstream, which has helped me step back and see the absurdity of both. This is how I live with my cognitive dissonance, and this is why I persist in belonging to and loving two increasingly opposing positions. Because life is absurd, the only thing we can do is love one another, and in the end if there is hate in my heart I don't think I would be comfortable meeting my Maker.

No matter how absurd that idea may be, it is the one I decide to place my faith in.